


Hey, It's Me, The Villainess

by crackerjackermackeral



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fellswap (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Horrortale (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Swapfell (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Underfell (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Underpatch (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Underswap (Undertale), Comedy, Enemies to Friends, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Male-Female Friendship, Multiverse, No Plot/Plotless, Possible Romance, Rivalry, Slow Build, Slow Burn, anti-harem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26643760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackerjackermackeral/pseuds/crackerjackermackeral
Summary: Jessica just got told off by some girl for being a racist after telling two monsters to be quiet in a library. Her coworker is under the impression that she's out to seduce their employers. Her cousin can't stop gushing about these skeletons who she keeps running into.The antagonist, the usurper, the rival—Jessica is beginning to play many roles as her life becomes intertwined with these girls and their skeletal beaus. Funny thing is that all Jessica wants to do is make money and go home.
Relationships: Papyrus (Undertale) & Original Female Character(s), Sans (Undertale) & Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

Yesterday, Jessica had gotten herself fired. 

Over what? Over making a mistake in the numbers. Now, their bookkeeping was all messed up and the office had to start from scratch. She had been fortunate that her boss had let her go without fanfare despite being deserving of serious browbeating.

Now, she was in the library of all places. She was mainly here because it was quiet and mostly vacant. She loathed venturing outside in case any of her former coworkers would see her (regardless of the probabilities of that happening), but she couldn't stand staying at home where she would do nothing but mope in private. Hence, the library, where she could mope in public. 

Jessica sank into her seat. She needed to find a job. Her parents, bless their hearts, had told her to take things easy, but the wound left from her failure would only fester if she remained unemployed. She had to do something soon; otherwise, she'd go stir-crazy. But as to what that something was, she had no clue. 

She knew that she didn't want another office job. She didn't want to go to an interview and have to explain why and how she had screwed up at her old company. She didn't even want to consider something tame like being a receptionist or an administrative assistant.

No, Jessica needed to find a job that she couldn't possibly mess up. Something that provided training or didn't require experience. At least that way, she could take online courses to find what else she could do while earning cash. Having her phone opened to a job posting website, she scrolled through the list. 

"DO YOU THINK THAT THEY'LL HAVE THEM?"

"I SURE HOPE SO!"

Jessica scowled at the volume reverberating across the room and hunched over the table that she occupied. Her eyes landed on one of the offers. 

A waitress? But that meant doing customer service, and Jessica hated doing customer service. Her experience as a retail clerk back in university was a testament to that. Having to smile all the time and pretend to care about what the customers were saying—ugh. She didn't think that she was terribly asocial, but she certainly wasn't a people-person either. 

There was an open position for a janitor—wait. This job required at least three years of experience? And a license? This place certainly had high standards, didn't they?

There was someone who was looking to hire a tutor for their children. After a quick search on the poster, Jessica deemed the position to be too sketchy to take. Honestly, some people. 

Plumber apprentice, barista, sandwich artist... A statistician? Oh, no experience necessary, but a master's degree in mathematics needed. Whatever. Jessica didn't want to be a statistician anyway.

As Jessica weighed on the idea of applying as a barista, the two voices from before rose higher in pitch. She tried ignoring them for a minute, but her annoyance escalated when one of them had actually squealed in delight—something about finding the book that he had been longing to find. 

On a good day, Jessica would have tolerated the racket. She wouldn't like it, but she wouldn't be bothered to get up and do the librarian's job. Yet, as it was, today was not her good day, which meant that she was fairly grumpy. She was grumpy about these idiots not keeping quiet in a place where they ought to be quiet, and she was grumpy about the librarian having yet to tell them to shut up or to kick them out. 

"OOH! LOOK, ANOTHER MARVELOUS FIND!"

"I DO HOPE THAT YOU'LL LEND IT TO ME AFTER READING IT."

"NO WORRIES! I'LL BE SURE TO READ THROUGH IT SO FAST THAT WE'LL HAVE EXTRA DAYS TO RETURN THE BOOK AFTER YOU FINISH IT."

And, on a good day, Jessica wouldn't be so thoughtless as to stomp towards someone and tell them off. But, again, today was not her good day, and Jessica wasn't so great at tamping down on her impulses before she would realize that she was acting on said impulses. 

One moment, she was sitting on a chair; the next, she was telling two skeleton monsters to keep it down. She hadn't even registered that she was lecturing monsters until their faces fell into contrition. Jessica had no idea that skulls could be so expressive; or, rather, could be malleable enough to express emotions.

Monsters. How about that? Jessica never really interacted with a monster before. She only saw them in passing, although there weren't that many of them, to begin with. The population estimation was perhaps two thousand, less with many monsters dispersing past Ebott City. Furthermore, the ones that stayed more or less kept to their side of the surface. 

Monsters weren't as ghastly and enormous as depicted in the books. Whether their appearances had been affected by their centuries-long entrapment or history had misconstrued their monstrousness, they certainly had dashed initial expectations when they had emerged from the mountain. While there did exist tall and menacing creatures, the quirky-looking ones tipped that ratio to their favor. 

Right now, she was facing those quirky-looking monsters. They were a pair of skeletons, which should have been creepy if not for their cartoonish skulls, kicked-puppy pouts, and ridiculous printed shirts. The short one with the blue scarf had a shirt that read "I AM MAGNIFICENT" in flowery script whereas the tall one had Nyan Cat streaking across the torso.

Nyan Cat? Seriously? Where did the monster get that shirt from? The antique store?

That was a mean thought. Stop it, Jessica.

"Hey, that wasn't nice!"

Jessica jolted. For one bewildering second, she thought that her conscience had somehow obtained a voice of its own and was speaking to her from the unknown, but she then noticed someone marching towards them. That was an angry march, Jessica further noticed. 

A girl in a sweater dress and knee-high boots inserted herself between Jessica and the skeletons. "Just because they're monsters doesn't mean that you get to push them around. How would you feel if you get treated differently because of your race?" she barked, propping her hands on her waist.

Jessica stared. "Excuse me?" she sputtered.

"Yeah, you're excused. Get out of here and don't think of showing your racist self here ever again."

The accusation was so left-field that Jessica was at a loss for words. 

"UM, EXCUSE ME," the tall skeleton piped up uncertainly, "BUT I'M AFRAID THAT THERE'S BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING..."

The hostile lines on the girl's suddenly melted away, and she looked up at it—him—sounded like a guy—with a soft and warm expression. "Oh, no, honey, it's alright. I understand what's going on perfectly."

That got Jessica snorting in disbelief. "Are you sure? Because it's obvious that you don't."

The girl bounced back to hostility. "I don't think a racist like you have any right to talk," she remarked coldly.

Wow. Okay, then. "I wasn't being racist. I was just telling these guys—"

"Telling them what? To be quiet because they're monsters? I didn't see you going around hushing people until they stepped inside."

"There wasn't a need to do so because the library was quiet before they got here," she said through gritted teeth. 

"A likely story," the girl scoffed. 

"Hey, the big guy said it himself, didn't he? It's a misunderstanding." Jessica gave her a tight smile, trying not to fly off the handle with her disintegrating composure. Her firsts clenched at her sides. "Besides, you've gotten, what, only a portion of what happened? Let's not jump to conclusions, yeah?"

"Exactly, which is why you shouldn't pick on others just for being monsters," the girl hissed, totally missing the point. The point just sailed right over her head. Incredible. She thrust a finger at Jessica as she continued, "I get that people like you think that monsters are terrifying beasts that are out to get humans, but you're wrong! If you just—"

Just like that, her veneer of restraint snapped (as it always did). "I'm telling you that's not what happened!" Jessica snarled. "All I did was tell these two to be quiet because we're in a library, not because they're monsters. I don't give a crap whether they're monsters, humans, or aliens from outer space! They could be the Queen of England for all I care and I'd still tell them to shut up."

The girl gaped at her. The space encompassing them fell into a tense silence, and Jessica briefly felt an inkling of hope that the clarification had finally drilled its way into this girl's thick head. Unfortunately, that hope had fallen when the girl began to bristle.

Oh, for the love of— 

"How can you say that you don't care about monsters?" she cried out. "You really are a racist! I can't believe that humans can be such assholes."

"That's not what I said—!"

"U-um, excuse me?"

Both of them turned around simultaneously, finding a skinny bespectacled man standing next to them. He fidgeted in place as he twiddled his fingers together. One quick glance at the name tag on his sweater vest showed that he was the librarian. 

"Excuse me," he said again, voice barely audible, "b-but I must ask for the two of you ladies to leave th-the premises."

"What?" the girl gasped. "But I didn't do anything wrong! I was defending these monsters from this woman." She spun towards where said monsters had been standing, only to find them gone.

While Jessica was irked that neither of the skeletons had come to her defense again, she was at least satisfied that they had expressed their "appreciation" for the girl by running away. That was what she got for acting as an unwanted white knight; she instead got a pair of ungrateful loudmouths. Ha.

"R-regardless, I'm sorry to say th-that you must leave." The man pushed his glasses up and resumed back to his finger-twiddling. "You're causing a disturbance with your arguing..."

"Sir, we wouldn't be arguing if not for her," the girl exclaimed, casting a sour look at Jessica. "You weren't here to see it, but she was harassing monsters for being monsters—"

"That is not what happened!" Jessica groaned for the umpteenth time. 

"—and I had to step in to help them! Are you telling me that you're warranting bigotry in this establishment? Because it seems that you are by kicking me out."

The librarian quavered as beads of sweat dotted his brow. "Th-that's not—that's not what I'm..." he trailed off, too choked-up on his words to finish his sentence. The poor guy didn't seem to fare well in confrontation. 

Jessica sighed and surveyed the area. There were other occupants who were not-so discreetly observing the commotion, some angling their bodies from the edge of the shelves and some peering over their books. But where was the security guard? Shouldn't he be here to drag them by the hair and toss them out? Unless he was making his rounds on the other side of the library?

On the last vestiges of her patience (which was a lie—she had none), Jessica decided to face the inevitable rather than drag things out. "We'll take our leave. Sorry about the racket."

"Excuse me?" the girl blurted. 

"You're excused," Jessica returned mockingly, throwing her words back at her. "Now, c'mon before we further make asses of ourselves."

"If anyone's an ass, it's you—hey, don't walk away when I'm talking to you!"

Jessica was walking, alright, and she definitely wasn't going to stop. She walked past the librarian and the shelves and the eavesdroppers, and she walked past the entrance. She walked to the parking lot and to her car, then proceeded to drive her way back home. She parked at the curb and paced in front of her house a couple of times before entering. 

Jessica still wasn't pacified.

The irritation of the confrontation, of the accusation, simmered beneath her skin. She hadn't been in the best of moods when going into the library, and she had been incensed when leaving. Now...she was still pissed off! 

Her? A racist? Jessica wasn't the type of person to preach about equality for all, but she certainly was no racist. While not a vocal advocate, she truly did believe that all races were deserving of equal treatment. Which...was why she was a jerk to everyone.

Huh. Maybe that was why she had been mistaken for a racist. 

"Hey, honey," her mother greeted her. "You look like you had a bad day. Do you want me to bring up snacks to your room?"

"Hi," Jessica grunted, planting an aggressive kiss on her cheek. "Yes." 

Jessica then stormed upstairs and to her room, booted up her computer, and got to work. 

* * *

Through her email notifications, Jessica had been rejected by the fourteen out of sixteen places that she had applied for. She knew how these things worked—they amassed enough resumes by a certain date, collected the ones who had prior work experience relevant to the position, and then discarded the rest. 

"No work experience needed," the posts had said. "We will train!" the posts had said. Bah. Lies. 

At least there were two possible positions open to her. Although, she didn't feel too good about her interview at the café, so she was banking her hope on this final opportunity. If she got into neither of these jobs, then it was back to the grueling task of writing cover letters, editing her resume, and sending out more applications. 

Frankly, Jessica preferred that the café would hire her. That way, she wouldn't have to see housekeeping as her last resort. Not that she had to, but she would if this was her only other option. She felt the bitter ache for relief to replace her week-long journey scouring the internet. Her eyes couldn't take any more of this torture. 

Jessica hopped into her car and drove to her destination. The location was a little ways ahead, perhaps a bit too remote for her liking. With the landscape shifting from concrete to woodsy terrain, she was becoming a little concerned about whether or not she was delivering herself to a den full of serial killers. Everyone knew that the forest was a perfect dumping ground for dead bodies, and who better to live by the forest other than serial killers?

But Jessica, exhausted from being a desperate unemployed adult, drove on. Money was her vice. 

Eventually, her GPS informed her that she had arrived. Jessica stepped out of her car and stared blankly at the swear-it-by-the-stars mansion before her. A mansion that looked haunted. The darkening cloudy sky didn't help ameliorate the creepy atmosphere whatsoever. 

A _mansion_!

Now that she got a good look at the place, she understood why the need for a housekeeper. A house this big obviously needed all the help that it could get. What she didn't understand, though, was how did the owner, a monster, acquire a place like this.

It wasn't that monsters were a destitute race, but they certainly weren't swimming in riches either. After the monster currency—gold—had been swallowed by the economy, the value had dropped significantly. Thanks to service programs, monsters became as middle-class as the rest of the middle-class. 

Even Queen Toriel and King Asgore carried out humble lives, one a principal of an elementary school and one a gardener for said school, respectively. Granted, the public might have a fit if the child-murdering king were to live a life of luxury. The parents of those dead children wouldn't be too keen about it as well, regardless of what the contrarians would say in the king's defense.

Jessica's musing was interrupted when she heard a "hey". 

She turned around to see a short skeleton standing in front of her. 

"hey," he said again. "i'm comic the skeleton. you here for the inter—?"

"You!" she blurted out. "You're from the library, aren't you?" Jessica recognized him on the spot. He was one of the monsters who had no concept of what an inside voice was. And, lo and behold, now that they were outside, he spoke with a reasonable volume. What the heck was up with that?

His brow bone furrowed—how on earth was that possible?—in confusion. "sorry to break it to ya, but i think you got the wrong guy."

Jessica frowned. "Unless there's another skeleton with the same face, height, and voice, then consider me doubtful."

"oh, heh, about that..." The skeleton shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. "there are other skeletons who look just like me. it's highly likely that you encountered one of my cousins."

His cousins? "Wait." She paused. "You do sound different. You don't sound as..." She waffled for the right word. "Boisterous."

"sorry that i'm not the _bone_ -sterously _bone_ -some guy that you met."

 _No_. He was a punner. Jessica hated puns.

"did he have a scar running down his socket? i swear that i'm not wearing makeup." To prove his point, the skeleton wiped his face with his sleeve. 

"Uh, no. He was just loud. And wore this shirt that said 'magnificence' or something."

The skeleton chuckled. "then that's blue. out of everyone, he's the one who resembles me the most."

Yeah, no kidding. 

"did you have a bone to pick with him or something?"

"No. He was just loud in the library," Jessica said flatly. "While I don't have anything against him, what followed next just ended up being a striking memory for me to be burdened by."

Oddly enough, he didn't probe for more information. "that's good. it'd be weird if i hired someone who hates my family."

After taking a second to process what he had just said, she buried her face with her hands. 

Yes, that would be weird. What was weirder was how Jessica had just yelled at her potential employer. She wanted the earth to split open and eat her alive. Yeah, there was no way that he was going to hire her now.

She heard the gates creak open. "so, you coming?"

Oh, well, never mind then. This interview was still going to happen.

Jessica followed the skeleton who led her through the long stretch of the front lawn. Befitting of a haunted mansion, the lawn was devoid of flowers and ornaments and garden gnomes. Instead, the grass was tall and wild with weeds sprouting everywhere. There was a lone withered tree, no doubt dying what with all these weeds. 

She hadn't noticed before since her attention had been drawn to the mansion, but now that she had moved closer, she noticed that the structure that she had thought to be a swing set was actually a guillotine. A guillotine. Just standing there like it was a prop. 

"Is that thing real?" Jessica asked, incredulous. 

"yup."

Was that even legal to own a death contraption? Furthermore... "Why do you have that?"

"to chop vegetables."

The answer was so ridiculous that Jessica felt peeved. 

When they stepped inside, she was surprised to note that the entryway wasn't as gloomy as the exterior. The floors were a sleek marble that matched the beige walls. At the center, there was a staircase that split into two, each leading to different hallway entrances. To the far left was a sit-down area, and to the far right was a dining space. Everything seemed clean and orderly as opposed to the nightmare outside. 

The skeleton drifted to the dining table and sat down, then gesturing Jessica to take the seat across from his.

"so, tell me about yourself," he asked, steepling his fingers.

Jessica took a breath and presented to him the same spiel that she had given in her past interviews, except modified to fit according to what she thought would make her an attractive candidate. She didn't want to sound as though she would be doing this short-term (even though that might be the case), but she didn't want to lie about her having any credible experience. If she did get hired and was expected to be an expert in her "field," then she was screwed. 

Of course, she omitted the fact she had been fired, replacing it with "It wasn't going in the direction that I was hoping to go". She then backed that up by embellishing her "strong desire" to obtain new work experience. She was "appealed" by the position because she "loved to manage maintenance and cleaning" and "believed that this would be the best way to start over". 

Jessica took a moment to wonder if she was overkilling it. She probably did when she had taken a minute to talk about her supposed love for cleaning.

It was hard to say seeing how the skeleton's smiling expression remained unchanged in the duration of her introduction. Although, she had this sinking feeling that he saw right through her bullshit. "that's pretty gutsy of you to go from a fancy office job to an entry-level position," he said. "not that i'd know since i have no guts."

The jab rang crystal and clear. If this job hadn't paid fifteen dollars more than the hourly minimum wage, Jessica would have thrown the towel. She would have stormed out of this outwardly-creepy-but-with-an-admittedly-nice-interior house while shouting at him about how trashy his jokes were. Alas, money was her vice. 

To her luck, the skeleton continued to talk so that she didn't have to. "just so you know, the people who live here are all monsters. you fine with that?"

"It was explicitly stated that the employer and his family are monsters," she said, not bringing up how the post had failed to mention that the house intended was a freaking mansion. When she realized how curt she had sounded, Jessica quickly amended, "Which is why I applied. Because if I had a problem working for monsters to begin with, I wouldn't have. You know. Applied." 

And then she inwardly cringed before she remembered to plaster on a friendly smile, which felt strange on her face. Her mind screamed at her to stop being an awkward moron. How the hell did she manage to land her first two jobs with her lack of interview skills, she had no clue. 

"heh." The skeleton gave her an amused look. "you look constipated."

Well, at least he wasn't offended. 

Unlike Jessica, who kind of was. 

First, she was "gutsy", which could be interpreted as "desperate" or "stupid", and now she was constipated. Seriously?

Jessica really didn't know what to say after that. There was a high probability of her putting her foot in her mouth and gnawing on it. She settled with a neutral "Oh."

"it's good that you don't have any issues with monsters." The skeleton lowered his hands on the table. "how about playing nice with others?"

Jessica blinked. "In my previous job, it was a requirement to be able to function in teams. I had to regularly confer with my coworkers given the work that I had to do." 

"that's also good. we have another housekeeper, but she's usually busy catering to my family that she hardly has the time to finish her chores."

"I...see."

"she's not here now. she's out with the other fellas, so i'll have her show you the ropes on another day."

"I underst—wait. What?"

His cheekbones lifted to make his eyes slightly curved. "in other words, you're hired. how soon can you start?"

"Just like that?" she asked without thinking. Flustered, Jessica backpedaled. "Not that I'm ungrateful or anything! But, um, it's just that it seems that you made your decision...too soon?" He didn't ask her any more questions or verify that she was qualifying. How could he finalize everything after this blunder of an interview? 

The skeleton shrugged. "let's just say that i'm an excellent judge of character."

She was immediately suspicious. "There's no one else who applied for the spot, is there?"

" _tibia_ honest...no."

Her shoulders relaxed. That made sense.

"we're in a pinch," the skeleton admitted. "dishes keep piling up, dirty socks are lying around—scandalous, i know, and you've seen the state of our yard. it's out of control."

"This is a housekeeping job, not a gardening one," Jessica told him pointedly.

"that's included in the list of tasks that you'll have to do."

She barely managed to not frown. "It seems that you've left out a lot of important details in your post."

"s'not like you've been truthful either."

She frowned anyway.

"but, hey, it works out. you're in a pinch too, yeah?"

Her frown deepened.

To work for a den of possible serial killers or to not work for a den of possible serial killers... Hmm... But if the café chose to not hire her, what then?

"Give me a week to think about it," she finally said.

The skeleton nodded. "sure. i'll give you my number when you make up your mind."

* * *

The café chose not to hire her.

After a week had passed, Jessica begrudgingly hit the call button.

"comic the skeleton here," the voice from the other side drawled. 


	2. Chapter 2

As it turned out, not only did Comic's look-alike cousin live in the mansion but so did his tall friend. 

Geez, that Comic. He must have told them about her, or at least somewhere along the lines of "hey, i met that lady who yelled at you in the library". That explained why she found them standing in front of the gates upon her return.

"HUMAN, WELCOME TO OUR HUMBLE ABODE!" the Comic clone announced when she got out of her car. "WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU."

"YES, WELCOME!" chimed in the tall skeleton. "WE ARE EAGER TO GET TO KNOW YOU."

As Jessica neared them, she could see droplets on their skulls. Unless they had taken a shower and had done a poor job toweling, they were sweating. Out of nervousness, she reckoned, since the weather too brisk to perspire from. 

"Hi," she said.

The strain in their smiles was obvious. After a few seconds of silence, the tall skeleton fell onto his hands and knees and wailed, "NYOO HO HO! HUMAN, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"

The clone promptly followed suit, prostrating himself. "FORGIVE ME TOO!"

Jessica stumbled backward, taken aback by the theatrics.

"WHEN WE RETURNED TO THE LIBRARY TO OFFER OUR CONDOLENCES, WE FOUND OUT THAT YOU WERE KICKED OUT. NOW, YOU'RE UNABLE TO RETURN AND READ ALL THOSE WONDERFUL BOOKS!"

"WE'RE SORRY FOR CAUSING A MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN YOU AND THAT OTHER HUMAN!"

If the household hadn't been so desperate for a helping hand, Jessica figured that she would have been hired solely to allay these guys' guilt. Or as much that could be allayed. 

Jessica's ears throbbed from the volume. She couldn't believe that she had mistaken Comic for his cousin. How could she forget how noisy this guy was? "Okay, okay, take it easy," she said, trying to cut through their cries. "I can see that you're—"

"WE'RE SO SORRY!"

"FORGIVE US, HUMAN!"

" _Hey_!" she shouted. The two clammed up. Jessica slowly inhaled and exhaled, composing herself before her patience would slip past her fingers again. Jessica didn't know why, but being in the presence of these two somehow made her feel...antsy. It was like she was reliving the moment when she had been wrongfully accused even though she didn't resent them for anything. She shook her head at that. 

"Hey," Jessica said again, more softly this time, "I can see that you're genuinely sorry for what happened, so I— _I_ forgive you." Barely, but whatever. And then, just to make herself look good before her employer's family, she added, "I'm also sorry for scolding you the way I did. I shouldn't have taken my annoyance out on you guys."

"NO, IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT, HUMAN," the clone said, looking up. The glowing white balls in his sockets trained on her as he offered her a tentative smile. "WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINDFUL OF OUR SURROUNDINGS. THE BOOK PLACE IS WHERE MONSTERS AND HUMANS ALIKE MUST BE QUIET, AFTER ALL."

"YES! I ADMIT, SOMETIMES I FORGET THAT I WOULD BE AT A LIBRARY AND NOT A LIBRARBY."

The li-what?

"WOULDN'T YOU HAVE TO BE QUIET IN A LIBRARBY ANYWAY?" the clone inquired, visibly puzzled. 

"NYEH HEH HEH! NO ONE HADN'T KICKED ME OUT, THOUGH!"

Jessica shifted her weight from one foot to the next as the skeletons launched into a lengthy discussion about the proprieties and legalities of disturbing the library (or librarby) space with how audible— _audible_ , they dared to say—their voices could go. Wow. Amazing. 

As pointless as this conversation was, Jessica marveled at the fact that these skeletons were so scatterbrained that they could distract themselves. Unlike Comic, who she could remember his weighted and undivided attention. 

Seeing how this had gone long enough, not to mention that the air was getting rather nippy, Jessica suggested that they head inside. The skeletons paused, looked at each other, and then agreed wholeheartedly. The change from begging for her forgiveness to cheerfully skipping towards the mansion nearly gave her a whiplash. 

When they neared the guillotine, Jessica remembered what Comic had told her about it. No doubt that he had lied to her about its vegetable-chopping purpose, so she asked the skeletons, "Why do you guys have that?"

"OH, THAT...!" the tall skeleton began with certainty, only to trail off as confusion colored his expression. He cupped a hand underneath his chin. "WHY DID EDGE BRING THAT IN AGAIN?" 

"OH NO! CREAMPUFF, WE FORGOT TO DO SOMETHING ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL!" the short skeleton suddenly gasped.

"HUH? WHAT IS IT?"

"INTRODUCTIONS!"

The tall skeleton gasped as well. "YOU'RE CORRECT, BLUE!"

What?

"HUMAN, I AM THE MAGNIFICENT BLUE! MWEH HEH HEH!" the clone declared.

"AND I AM THE GREAT CREAMPUFF! NYEH HEH HEH!" the other exclaimed. 

Oh. Ugh. They were as cartoonish as their faces. And their _names_ . Blue was an admittedly cool name, but what kind of parents would call their kid _Creampuff_? Or even Comic, for that matter? Unless that was normal for monsters? 

Maybe that was why Jessica felt unsettled being around them—they were manifestations of her encroaching madness. The names were that tipped her off. She had a feeling that this day would come, that her sanity frayed by her temper would eventually crack, and her time for the loony bin was close coming. She didn't know why her mind had conjured that sweater-dress girl or the anxious librarian, but whatever. Jessica was going crazy.

She smacked her hand against Creampuff's wrist.

"OUCH! HUMAN, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" Creampuff cried, withdrawing his arm to his chest. 

The stinging on her palm was confirmation enough. So they weren't figments of her imagination. Okay, good to know. "There was a bug on you," Jessica muttered.

"HUH? REALLY?" In the span of a nanosecond, he went from baffled to grateful. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP! I HADN'T NOTICED THAT THERE WAS A PEST ON ME!"

"ME NEITHER! I HAD NO IDEA THAT HUMANS HAD SUCH KEEN EYESIGHT," Blue said effusively.

Easily distractible and gullible. These guys were children, weren't they? She was dealing with children. Jessica now felt bad for smacking Creampuff.

"Right, well, let's not mention about this to anyone," she said.

"WHY'S THAT?" Creampuff asked.

Because parents generally disliked strangers smacking their children. "Because we don't want others to know that bugs are attracted to your greatness."

"WHAT? WOULD THAT REALLY BE A BAD THING?"

"I don't know," Jessica replied sarcastically. "Do you think that it's a good thing to attract bugs?"

"HMM." The boys dwelled on that. 

"In any case, let's keep this a secret, yeah?" she pressed.

"WELL, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT, HUMAN," Creampuff conceded, albeit reluctantly. What, did he actually want to go around bragging about him being a bug magnet?

"BY THE WAY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?" Blue asked.

"Jessica," Jessica answered.

"IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU AGAIN, HUMAN JESSICA."

"You can just call me Jessica. You know, without the human."

"JESSICA IT IS, THEN!"

When they reached the door, Jessica was late to realize that no one had answered her guillotine question.

Comic greeted them at the entryway. He had his hands shoved in his jacket pockets as he offered them a lazy grin. "hey, you made it right on schedule," he said, acknowledging her with a nod. 

Jessica had arrived ten minutes earlier, in actuality, but she had gotten held up by the kiddos. She kept that to herself, however, because no parents liked hearing about their children being inconveniences as much as they liked strangers smacking them. 

"Glad to have made it," she said instead.

His smile widened. "the gang's in the living room. they've been dying to meet you." Comic placed emphasis on the word "dying" because, haha, they were all skeletons. Jessica instantly hated the joke. 

Blue and Creampuff bounced ahead while Comic and Jessica followed at a sedate pace. At the threshold, Jessica was startled to find that there were a whole lot more skeletons than she had initially believed. 

With a cursory survey, she could see that the skeletons were varying in appearances. Some were short like Blue and Comic, some were tall like Creampuff, and a few were in-between. There was a handful of them that fit the bill of the generic scary monsters that hid under beds or closets. There was one who looked like he sold drugs in dark alleys. Jessica questioned if she should reconsider taking this position. 

To her additional surprise, she noticed a human girl sitting among them. 

"MY COUSINS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET OUR SECOND HOUSEKEEPER, HUMAN JESSICA!" Creampuff said with flourish.

"JESSICA," Blue corrected.

"JESSICA!" Creampuff amended. 

"Hi," Jessica said.

"so, like i said yesterday, jessica here will be helping fiora with the chores," Comic said. "don't give her too much trouble or she'll be _dishing_ that she never came."

Jessica looked down at him, confused. "I'd be dishing what?"

"you know, dishing. like, in replacement of wishing?"

"Oh," she deadpanned. 

"HA, IT SEEMS THAT THE HUMAN FINDS YOUR PUNS TO BE DISTASTEFUL AS MUCH AS WE DO," sneered one of the scarred skeletons, which was an unhelpful description because many of them bore scars. 

"HONESTLY, BROTHER," Creampuff tutted in exasperation. "WE WANT TO POSE A GOOD IMPRESSION ON THE HUMAN, NOT CHASE HER AWAY WITH LAME JOKES."

"yeah, comic, we shouldn't _jess_ around," quipped one of the many scarred monsters. Chuckles erupted from the crowd while the tall scarred skeleton sitting next to the joking scarred skeleton sighed long-sufferingly. 

Jessica stared, blank-faced. If she happened to be stuck working for a group of punning clowns...

"anyways, let me introduce you to everyone." Comic proceeded to point to each skeleton and say what his name was. Interestingly, all of them were male, which made Jessica wonder what a female skeleton would look like. Would female skeleton monsters have breasts or no?

Soon enough, Comic finished listing each of his family members. Yeah, there was no way she could remember all of them. There were how many of them? Two, four, six, eight... Fourteen? There were fourteen of them, and that was fourteen too many for her to memorize them by name already. 

The only one who she did remember aside from Comic, Creampuff, and Blue was Cash, but only because he somehow stood out to her with his drug dealer image. No, she had no clue why. No, it wasn't because she did drugs herself—she _didn't_ _._

"LAST BUT NOT LEAST IS FIORA," Blue punctuated cheerfully. "SHE'S THE ONE WHO KEEPS THIS PLACE RUNNING!"

The aforementioned Fiora waved shyly. Jessica waved back. 

"so, any questions?" Comic prompted. 

"HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT REMOVING BLOOD STAINS?" a short skeleton inquired.

Jessica's eyes shot wide open. " _What_?"

"RAZZ, DON'T FRIGHTEN HER!" Blue chided. 

"IT WAS A LEGITIMATE QUESTION," Razz countered defensively. 

"HOW PROFICIENT ARE YOU AT MAKING BURRITOS?" another short one demanded to know. "I REFUSE TO HAVE A SUBORDINATE WHO CANNOT MAKE DECENT BURRITOS."

"FORGET THE BURRITOS," scoffed another. "WHAT ABOUT THE LASAGNA?"

Jessica glanced down at Comic, barely holding back a scowl. Did cooking fall under her housekeeping duties as well as gardening? Just how much did he leave out? Instead of intervening or providing clarity, Comic only offered her a shrug. Bastard. 

"eh, don't we already have fee to cook for us?" drawled a tall skeleton. "not to mention green?"

"BUT GREEN DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME TO COOK ANYMORE," Creampuff interjected. "IF ANY OF US DID, I WOULD SURELY MAKE MY SPAGHETTI."

"AND MY TACOS!" Blue piped up.

"wait, then who made those cookies the other day?"

"That would be me," the sighing scarred skeleton said, holding up a hand. "I had the freedom to bake those, although Creampuff is correct about me generally not having the time."

"HOLD ON, I WANT MY QUESTION ANSWERED FIRST!" the first skeleton snapped angrily. "HUMAN, CAN YOU OR CAN YOU NOT REMOVE BLOOD STAINS?"

Why the heck did he want to know? Unbidden, memories of her teenage self frustratedly running cold water on her soiled panties came back to her. "I can," Jessica replied, a tad bewildered. 

"WHY DO YOU NEED BLOOD STAINS TO BE REMOVED?" another skeleton asked, very much so bewildered. 

"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR CONCERN."

Just hearing that made Jessica feel concerned. 

She really was surrounded by serial killers, wasn't she? Why did she always do these things—recklessly plunge herself into danger before realizing that she was in danger? Anyone with common sense would make sure to properly identify her employers, especially if she had an inkling of a thought of them being body-dumping swindlers, but did she do that? No. She was so stupid. 

And that girl, Fiora, must have been held captive and had to comply with everything these murderers had to say. Jessica tried to make eye contact with her to verify if her suspicions were correct. The girl darted her gaze elsewhere before looking back with a perplexed stare. That told Jessica nothing. 

"you can't say those things and not expect the human to phone the cops, razz," Comic remarked as though he had read her mind. "the _police_ thing to do is to explain. i was using the word 'police' to substitute the word 'polite', by the way—"

"I get it," Jessica said. 

Razz harrumphed and crossed his arms. "IF YOU MUST KNOW," he began, rolling his eyelights, "I WORK FOR A SECURITY COMPANY THAT PROVIDES PROTECTIVE SERVICES AND PERSONNEL TO ANY CLIENTS WHO CAN PAY."

Jessica remained unconvinced. "In what situation would you be involved in that results in bloodshed? And wouldn't your company clean your uniforms if you're out there getting bloody? And where's your license? And what's your company's name? It wouldn't hurt to see that you're telling the truth."

"COMIC, I DISLIKE THIS MEDDLESOME HUMAN."

"we don't have much of a choice. no one but this human took up the job. besides, she won't say anything." Comic directed his smile onto her as his white orbs took on a strange blue glow. "right?"

Jessica narrowed her eyes. 

"i'll give you a bonus of one dollar per hour if you stop asking questions."

"That just makes you look even more suspicious," she protested.

"three dollars."

"Ffffine," Jessica replied begrudgingly. 

"what? just like that? hey, human, i'll give you a ten if you rub my bones," cackled a skeleton with a golden tooth. The corners of Jessica's frown dipped further. Was that a euphemism for something?

"SANS, DON'T BE DISGUSTING," snarled the lasagna skeleton. So it was. But ten dollars? A prostitute made more than that. 

"Am I allowed to make a sales pitch?" Jessica asked Comic.

"huh? like what?"

"I will offer a ten-minute massage—nothing sexual or anything—to anyone who pays me...fifty dollars."

"WHAT? NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE UP A SCAM LIKE THAT!" scoffed the burrito skeleton. "YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT AT LEAST THIRTY MINUTES LONG."

"Fifteen," she haggled. 

"jeez, kid, you didn't forget that you're here for housekeeping, did you?" Comic asked. 

Kid? Pardon? "I'm twenty-eight."

"IT'S A DEAL!" the burrito skeleton shouted excitedly, waving a wad of dollars in his hand. "LET'S DO IT NOW."

"I'll do it after my shift."

"THAT WORKS TOO."

Comic's eyelights shrank in what could be read as surprise. "seriously?"

"I REALLY DISLIKE THIS HUMAN," Razz repeated. 


End file.
